Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Cooking is the Manliest Thing You Can Do

(source: rsvlts.com)

    Take dead meat. Apply to fire. Casually adjust until it's exactly how you like it. Remove from the elements you mastered.

    Take produce from the nature you manipulated. Cut it with sharp objects. Apply to fire. Control exactly how long it's on there, because you're the master. Remove cooked byproduct.

    Cooking is the natural extension of man's mastery of the elements. It is the ultimate expression of self-sufficiency: you can provide perhaps the most basic, not instantly available need for yourself. So why do so few guys know how to do it?

    It's common knowledge that girls like guys who know their way around the kitchen. Cooking for yourself is also simple economic thinking: not only is it immediately cheaper per meal than even value menu fast food, but will also save money in the long term by preventing the onset of chronic heart and body conditions correlated with eating large quantities of processed restaurant food.

    You play "master of the universe", chicks dig it, and it saves you money. There's no reason for you to not know how to cook, and in this post, I'll break down a simple home-cooked meal that's:

  • high protein
  • cheap
  • easy to make
  • easy to pack
  • designed to be made in quantity
With this recipe, you'll spend two hours a week to save hundreds of dollars on overpriced lunches and dinners out. Simply put, cooking is the manliest thing you can do. I'm here to teach you how to do it.


Chicken with Vegetable Fried Rice (makes 10 servings)

Prep time: 20 minutes
Cooking time: 30 minutes

  • 3-4lbs pre-sliced boneless, skinless chicken breast (1 grocery store wholesale pack)
  • 5 cups brown rice
  • 3 cups broccoli
  • 1 cup carrots
  • 1 red bell pepper
  • 1 green bell pepper
  • Canola Oil
  • Salt and Pepper to taste
  • Enough microwave-safe sealable storage containers to pack up all you've made
  • Sriracha Hot Sauce (optional)


  1. Assemble all your ingredients. Lots of things will be ready at around the same time, and you don't want to be flinging open fridge doors to grab chicken when the entire stove is full of red hot metal. 
  2. Fill a large saucepan with 8 cups of water. It doesn't need to be exact, but make sure it's not past halfway up the pan. Heat this water on a stove on high. 
  3. Preheat a non-stick pan over the stove. After 1-2mins of preheat, add a dash of canola oil to just coat the surface of the pan.
  4. Cut chicken breasts into thin strips on cutting board (~1" wide). Season chicken to taste. Expert tip: go easy on the salt.
  5. Add chicken to pan, set heat to medium-high, and cook for~5 minutes. By this time, the water should be boiling on the rice. That's a good thing. Flip the chicken to the uncooked side.
  6. Add the uncooked rice to the boiling water. Stir it in just a bit, then turn the heat down to the lowest possible setting. Cover the rice pan with the lid ajar to let steam escape and prevent boilovers. Set a timer for 5 minutes on your phone/microwave/hourglass.
  7. Check the chicken by cutting into the thickest strip you see with a fork and knife, taking care not to burn yourself. Is it pink and visibly cold? Keep it on the heat. Is there only a little bit of pink at the center surrounded by white? That's the stuff. Get that chicken to a plate, stat - it's perfect. 
  8. Add your veggies to the pan formerly known as "chicken pan". This is safe, believe me - you just gave any bacteria from the raw chicken an 8-10 minute heat treatment. It's also delicious, since the oils from the chicken mixed with your spices and are now sitting at the bottom of the pan, ready to cook up some flavorful vegetables. Mmmmmmmmmm. Throw a dash of canola oil on top to make sure everything stir-fries up nicely.
  9. Remove the rice from heat entirely, stir it a few times (there should be little if any excess water in the pot), cover it with the lid closed, and let it sit for another 5 minutes. Phone timer, etc.
  10. Pay attention to the veggies, and keep them constantly moving with a spatula. They fry, you stir. Do this until the broccoli is a deep, rich green and the peppers look vibrant but not burned. Coincidentally, this takes around 5 minutes on high heat.
  11. Remove the veggies from heat - they should still be sizzling, even off the burner. 
  12. Enjoy your creations. My recommendation: copious application of Sriracha. If your eyebrows don't sweat, is it even really flavorful?
    If you haven't realized by now, you made way more food than you could eat in one meal (hopefully). I usually give everything a few minutes to cool, then package up the leftovers in generic microwave-safe grocery store brand tubs, separated by product (mountain of food pictured below). 

    Enjoy your newfound cooking ability, Hercules. Now go out and enjoy your extra money, healthier lifestyle, and mastery of the elements.

~Alex R. -Men's Fashion


Bivouac: Where Outdoor Passion Meets Indoor Fashion.


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